Lazy Hero Cat’s 4 Steps to Sleeping Better

Printby Stanford Crow

It has come to my attention that many hairless apes–hello humans–in today’s times find it hard to sleep. Typical of your kind, I’m afraid–nothing is more natural and easier than sleeping and laughter and awe, and yet your kind manages to forget how to do all three.

Lucky for you, I am here to help. Or, rather, Bubastis, the Lazy Hero Cat is here. The following is distilled from conversations I’ve had with him between his naps and his adventures.

“First step, get comfortable. This can be achieved anywhere with the proper attitude. When you are comfortable with yourself you can be comfortable napping–as I have done–on a bird’s back, on a volcano, on a pirate’s plank (“walk the plank”? when it looks so comfy, I don’t think so), on a dragon’s tongue. It all comes down to attitude.

“Second step, list all the things you need to do. The key point here is ‘need to do.’ For example here is my list: (1) keep breathing (2) nap (3) nap (4) nap (5) where were we?

“Third step, avoid rigorous activity or drinking before sleep. Or, better yet, avoid rigorous activity all together.

“Fourth step, if any worries or emotions other than the bliss of a nap interfere with your nap, dismiss them. Imagine yourself as a ruler of the world and the unwanted thoughts or emotions as irksome knaves or bad jugglers. Banish them. Watch them escorted out of the palace of your nap and then return to the matter at hand.

“Everything else is wasted effort.


That’s all from the cat for now. Single-minded focus? No: unconscious-minded sleep.

(Courtesy of Stanford Crow; Lazy Hero Cat is too lazy to write, but here‘s a link to his adventures)


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